My journey to be a contemplative.

I hate sitting in silence. I think it is really hard and doesn’t do anything.

But the other day I read in Henri Nouwen’s book, In the Name of Jesus: “If there is any focus that the Christian leader of the future will need, it is the discipline of dwelling in the presence of the One who keeps asking us, “Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?” This is the discipline of contemplative prayer. ”

So, for the last 3 days I have done 10 mins of centering prayer, with no agenda.

Yesterday, I was driving home, and saw a picture on Instagram (yes, at a stop light I was looking at instagram) of my single girlfriends working together in their new office downtown. I thought oh, I wish that’s what I was doing, I miss that. I was jealous. Jealous of their freedom, thinness, and busy exciting new work.

NOW, I am 18 weeks pregnant (took 2 yrs), married to my best friend (whom I adore) , a full time Pastor (which is my dream job). But I feel fat and overwhelmed, not attractive and stressed out.

I realized, oh my goodness, the problem is me. I wasn’t happy when I was single, I wasn’t happy when I was thin, I wasn’t happy when I was working in a fun office.

I’m not happy because, I am not happy. The problem is me. There is no amount of external things that are going to change that. I could become a famous actress with her own chief and so thin. Doesn’t matter something is going on inside of me.

Ugh… I’m annoyed cause there is no escape for me.

Thank God for centering prayer and the awareness it gave me that I am the problem.

GOOD NEWS. I am only 33 yrs. old and I am in counseling and have a wonderful group of ladies that I am doing life with, so I think this is a great season of growth, so I am happy to know change is coming.

Centering prayer, Internal change and awareness. I thank the good sweet Lord for “His kindness does lead to repentance”.

Blogging :)

I have this love/hate relationship with blogging. I really want to do it, but sometimes I think I am just too honest for what people can take. BUT I am beginning to think that is what the world needs (like Glennon), messy people being open about being messy people. So here I am, if you hate it no worries, don’t read it 🙂

TODAY- I have decided to start reading the bible again. This may sound crazy since I am a pastor. I used to LOVE the bible, but then I starting reading the bible literally and needed to take a break to seek God, outside of the bible.

Well, I started in Hebrews, not sure why. But what stuck out to me today was “See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” So that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Heb. 3:12-13

The amplified bible says, ^“But instead warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day”

Encourage each other, DAILY, to not get a hard heart.

HA… Isn’t that funny, how much do you desire to be encouraged daily? It is why we read blogs, or devotions, and books. We all need encouragement. So, today I encourage you, encourage someone. It’s good for you! And you will keep your heart soft, as well as others.