Mesa Ridge Lane

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This is the street I grew up on. Now, per google maps this is the current sky view. I lived in the house at the end with the 2 cars in the driveway. My neighbors were and still are our best family friends, The Greene’s. Next to them the McGregor’s, the Purkhiser’s, the Martinez’s, and then the end house changed a few times. The other side, the Powell’s and the Ruiz’s (I think that’s how you spell it).

It was the BEST!! Everyone moved in around the same time and everyone had kids the same age. We had the best 4th of July parties where we would shut down the road and all the kids would do a parade and one time we had a dunk tank. We did shows, created music videos, shared pools, and grew up together. I always dreamed that when I grew up I’d be one of the mom’s who sat outside drinking wine while all the kids played.

We moved out of that house when I was around 12 yrs old, so I lived there for 6 yrs.

What a great way to grow up. Seems like a lifetime ago, but it was the best little world to grow up in, where life seemed dreamy and safe. A little piece of my heart lives there.

Fighting in marriage is a good thing…

If you know me, you know, my husband and I have been through the ringer. Not necessarily that bad of things have happened to us, WE just happened to us.

We are strong personalities. Both of us. We don’t back down, we both want to be right, we fight, hard.

But… I still would choose him.

I think I knew I wanted the challenge. We can live the easy road or the hard one, just because it’s easy doesn’t make it worth it, ya know.

Marriage is so odd. You choose this person to create a life with and to be honest who really knows if you can grow together. Because you are going to grow. It’s either together or apart.

Anyway, almost 5 yrs. in and I still really like him. I like when he likes something I’ve written, because I think he is really smart and that’s a big compliment. I like how he listen to my concerns (he would call critics) and changes. I like that he works hard. I like that he’s a really good dad. I like that he is FULL of information, wait scratch that I like it most of the time. And I like that he works hard to connect with me.

I guess, I would just like to say, Marriage is hard. But I’m thankful I choose him, fighting and all. Because what does a strong personality need to change … another strong personality. So, cheers to all you fighters out there, it’s worth it. You are growing and changing, good for you!

Open Letter to Judah.. My thoughts

Well, there has been quite A LOT of busyness on Facebook this morning. I wanted to see what I thought and to do that I have to write, so here you go!

First off, I do not think George is wrong, now the manner in which it was publicly posted is up for debate or maybe it is also that big of a deal that it needs this much attention. I guess I would think so.

People do not see things at they are, they see things as THEY are.

So, as I am this is what I see.

When I first came to EastLake years ago, we were in the same place as city church. Yes, our style was different, our approach was diff, but Mega Church on the path to American success, that we were.

I asked the leaders what they thought about gay people (LGBT was not a thing then) and they said, “We love them.” I kept pushing and did not get the answer I was looking for, but because of the fact that I really liked the church and was feeling loved, it was not a make or break it deal for me at the time, because I am not gay.

Now, I was already in such a place of despair and in need of love and acceptance, if I were a part of the LGBT community this answer would have crushed me. Because I could hear behind the lines, “We love them” but we want them to change. “We love them” but that’s a sin, “We love them” but they are not ‘ok’ in God’s eyes.

Thankfully, we, EastLake, and other churches have been blessed to see where we were so clearly wrong before. There are probably 1200 other things we are not right on, we just don’t see those yet.

With all that being said, This may not be a HUGE issue for you. You maybe white, sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, and pretty much fit in. Well, imagine if that were not the case.

George spoke at EastLake a few weeks ago and described a situation at a party where he was told he looked like a terrorist, he ask his friend later why he didn’t say anything and he said, I didn’t know if you wanted me to. George said, speak for the minority who can not speak for themselves, they need white allies.

So…. I think it is important to speak on behalf of those who really are shamed here and can not speak for themselves, because they are the supposed “wrong ones”.

If you are calling yourself a loving community and you can not be clear about where that love ends… I think it’s obvious you know that feels wrong. If it didn’t you would not NEED to cut the clip. You know you are NOT inclusive, but you preached Jesus is. It’s ok, we all do that from time to time, but apologize, be clear, and be honest.

It is a BIG DEAL!

The one and only Heidi Green

April 14th 2016 – I took my friend dinner last night, chicken phad thai 3 stars, I don’t cook. We had plans for me to bring my son Huck over, but she had chemo yesterday and her white blood cell numbers were too low, so she can’t be around anyone that may cause her to get sick. So I made the decision not to bring him.

As I came in, she was in high spirits per usual, seriously one of the most positive people I know. But she said she had a breakdown earlier with her dad.

You see, it’s been 8 months she’s been fighting cancer for the 2nd time. Her mom passed away from the same cancer. She had scans yesterday to see if the new medication is working. And she said to be honest we are running out of options. And then she apologized for the breakdown?

I was thinking, Oh my God, it’s amazing you are even talking to me right now.

What amazing strength you have. I am utterly impressed with her. She is one of the strongest people I know. If you could heal yourself by being a positive person, she would have been well a day after she got it.

Then she proceeded to thank me for bringing over a $15 dinner, that I just picked up.

Heidi Green. I am honored to know you. I am a better person just to be in your presence. You are incredible strong, lovely, wonderful, and put a real beautiful human face on a disease that is Fucking Horrible.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.

____________________________________________

The Beautiful Heidi Green
Jan. 19th 2017 I went to see Heidi Green yesterday. I probably have not seen her in 3 months. Last time I saw her she was sick but still mobile. Yesterday was not the case.

She is thin. Her hair is growing back, so that was nice. She has lost the use of her left leg. She can’t take care of herself, she can’t move around, her foot is floppy with no feeling. Because the tumors are on her spine. She is confined to a room and going stir crazy.

That is the realistic state of affairs.

BUT Her. She is still smiling. She is still beautiful. She is still saying how blessed she is by her friends and dad taking care of her. She is hopeful and excited about things that will better her way of life in this current situation. Like a coffee machine that can be close to her bed so she can still have her coffee right when she gets up.

I am not sure of how hopeful the situation is, but I felt hopefully leaving her.

Life is so strange and hard. Death is coming for all of us. But you know when it’s not scary, is when you watch people face it at 48 yrs old, with strength and grace. Leaving this life, is just a part of it, a part of the whole thing.

Hope when my days are a number I know, I can be as beautiful as my friend Heidi. Who shined with blonde shiny hair, a positive outlook on everything, and a beautiful smile. Thank you for the lesson my friend.

I will always remember it.

________________________________________

The Wonderful Heidi Green

Feb. 7th 2017 Damn it. I missed the phone call I was going to make this morning to say goodbye. But it’s ok cause I know you know.

But here is what I wanted to say:

You, my friend, what an honor it was to know you. Especially these last couples of weeks. You lived more life than most. You loved better than most. You gave even at the end. Praying prayers for me and my family, still thinking of others, even in so much pain.

It was truly an honor. To know you. To see you. And to watch you face the end, with more grace and dignity than I thought was possible.

You made me less scared. And that is such a gift. You helped me see all of life is gift, even the scariest parts.

Today I will mourn you. But tomorrow I will live more like you.

I will travel and think of you. I will lay on beaches and remember how much you loved the sun. I will talk about Jesus, like you. I will offer everything I have to the other and do it with joy and love.

I want to be more like you and that is how you live on.

With deep gratitude thank you for sharing your life with me.

Same Convo, Diff. Perspective

I don’t know about you but I feel like we are going around and around the same circles. A bunch of opinions all over the place, but missing each other.

I am hoping we can have the same conversation with a different perspective.

What I mean by that is. It is not logical for me to think everyone that voted for Trump is an idiot. Just like everyone who voted for Trump can’t assume I am not following the truth.

I want to talk about the deeper issues and try to understand each other. My goal is to understand you and in hopes you will understand me.

The reason I am up in arms right now, is because my husband is African American, so is my son. My brother-in-law is Muslim from Senegal. I have a bunch of LGBTQ friends. I am a women, not just a women, a women that has been objectified by men. I did not have to have an abortion, but was thankful the option was there, since I may have needed it. When I was 25 yr old, I traveled the world to expand my views. As a missionary I saw LOVE, beauty, and joy in all cultures. Which widen my understanding of others. And I am white, I will never understand the privilege my skin gives me and I am sad of the responsibility  I hold and the responsibility of my ancestors who stole this land and continue to think we are better. I am fearful of what we are doing to the planet and what my kids will inherit, and trying to find ways I can personal help.

You see the reason I can’t be quiet is because EVERY area of my life is affected by the decisions being made, directly and in-directly.

But I do not want to assume that I am the only person that matters. I want to know why you stand where you stand. Is your husband in the military? Where you raised in a faith to believe that abortion is wrong? Are you a small business owner? Do you have the view that this is a Christian nation and this is a spiritual battle? Or do you think we are safer if we do lock our doors to other nations?

(Please do not hear the tone of judgement in those last questions, I am actually just asking, because those were some beliefs I’ve held before).

What are your VERY REAL Fears? The deep ones.

I want to know. Not to argue with you, to understand you. The divide begins with us, so let’s build a bridge.

Especially as women. We can’t turn against each other now, there is too much at stake. We are together in this.

Much. Love.

Facebook – Memories

Oh my …  This is what I posted in 2012 – 5 yrs ago.

“If you are an EastLaker or not, 1157 made 1st time decisions to follow Jesus in 2011. Let’s make heaven more crowded in 2012…. I don’t know about you, But i think the BIGGER the party the better.”

At first glance… you think, oh that’s not so bad.

Then… You realize, man that’s stupid I used to base success as a follower of Jesus on how many people “made decisions to follow”.

And THEN you see… WAIT!! I don’t actually think “heaven is more crowded”. I don’t think you actually have to decided to follow Jesus to make it to heaven. I just don’t. Maybe I should have a stance to defend this, but I don’t.

And THEN… Where is heaven?

Is heaven this refuge in the sky where everything is like ecstasy. Ecstasy is the best feeling I have EVER experienced. Some of you may think I am shallow, because I did get married and I did have a baby, but to be honest, the drug ecstasy was the best experience I have ever had. All was right in the world, everyone was connected, and love flowed abundantly, it was as though you could see everyone for the goodness they are, is heaven like that?

But I read recently that this notion of heaven being somewhere else and Jesus is going to come and whisk away from this horrible place, is the belief that drives the destruction we are doing to the planet. But didn’t God say after creating all of this “it is good”?

There is no point to this post, no tidy little bow to wrap it up. All I wanted to say is when you deconstruct your faith… it’s hard. It’s hard to find what you believe, when what you did believe has fallen away.

Brian McLaren says, “The system is broken”…. LOOK AROUND and you too shall see “The system is broken”.

5 things I want to do this year

You know we are ritual people. We like to have time that flows in seasons. Time to work hard, time to play, time to vacation, time to move. Well, it’s a New Year so naturally, I feel the need to change some stuff.

I have numerous resolutions or numerous things I want to start or do better at this year. First off, let me tell you, my life is changing. My husband has been accepted to the fire academy, he is going to become a firefighter. I am incredible proud and very excited for him. Fire academy is 15 weeks, of training, brutal training so I hear. It consists of workouts all day and tests and just hard stuff. (Glad, it’s him and not me). Anyway, my husband is a REALLY involved dad, I mean really involved, like I don’t want to say how much because I feel like other moms will be jealous. That is the benefit of marrying someone who is incredible liberal, he has no gender roles. Which is great, but actually a challenge for me at times, I know that’s weird, but I have gender roles in my head, wish I didn’t. Anyway, moving along.

Because of this big shift in my family, I have made some goals for things I want to do while he is gone. (he will be home at night and on the weekends but really he will be very preoccupied)

Goal List:

1.) Write more in your blog….. check. I am doing this because it is good and therapeutic for me to be creative. Also, life is so strange and ironic and crazy that I need to talk about how weird it is so I don’t go crazy from it.

2.) Learn to cook. I have always wanted to learn to cook but I don’t do it. It’s hard and now especially with a kid. To accomplish this goal I am going to get an easy cook book and meal plan so I can actually do it. And I mean cook like 2-3 dinners a week, not every night, those of you moms that do that, should get an award and a free pass to the front of Starbucks drive thru’s.

3.) Redecorate my office. I want the office room to be a place of meditation, relaxation, and contemplation… (right now, it looks like this, horribly depressing.)

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4.) Go to the gym more. My plan is since Jason will be gone. I will go to crossfit Tuesday and Thursday, when my mom has Huck. On the other day’s I am going to join 24 hr fitness in Bothell and drop Huck off…. (secretly this terrifies me, but my hope is I will care more about some alone time to work out, then worrying about Huck being watch by people I don’t know, first kid problems).

5.) Have more sex and develop being a sexual person. This maybe be too much info for some of you (like my mom) but I will probably be talking about sex a lot on this blog. Reason is, I want to be truly honest, and also I don’t think we talk about sex enough to normalize it. And maybe you have already really developed your sexual side, my thought is if you are a women you have not. We are taught to not talk about it, to not be too sexual, I think that leads to secrets and shame.

There it is! 5 Goals for this year, I think that’s a good amount. Feel free to follow my journey if you so choose, but this is your heads up on the majority of what my year will be about… and then also the random stuff of life that happens.