A look inside yourself

“Curiosity is a shit-starter. But that’s okay, sometimes we have to rumble with a story to find the truth.” – Brene Brown


So, in this conscious uncoupling book I’m reading, the first couple things are:

1.) You are totally normal and it is your biology that makes you feel crazy emotional.

2.) Then there are some tips on self-soothing and how to have good self-care.

3.) To grow and not repeat this relationship again, you need to take a good look at yourself and what your responsibility is.

What I discovered:

1.) I am 2nd oldest of 6 kids and to get attention when I was young, I was a people pleaser. I got attention for serving and helping others, it was the way I felt loved. I had overcome a lot of people pleasing in my regular life but not necessarily in intimate relationships. I, then, got married and abandon myself to please Jason. So, ANY input/criticism/suggestions he had I overreacted to because in my mind was this: ” Are you criticizing me, do you know I have sacrifice my whole self here, I am doing everything to make sure you are happy (which he NEVER asked me to do and did not want from me but I thought that was my role).” Thank God, Jason was my learning curve and not Huck. Could you imagine, Huck does one thing wrong and my reaction is: ” I sacrificed my whole life for you, you have to be perfect.” Oh goodness!

2.) I had/have a fear that I am boring and dis-interesting. Because I was this crazy party-er in my 20’s and when I quit that I was really bored. It seems to me there are a lot of drinking activities in Seattle and I felt excluded. I lived at my parents one summer in-between going to Kansas to plant a church, and all i did for like 6 weeks, was hang out with my sister and watch TV. I remember thinking, I can NEVER EVER come back to this place. It made me feel like such a loser. So, I married the guy with a ton of interesting things to say, you’ll never be bored, I told myself. But then I blame him for not including me in his conversation. That’s who he is – VERY INTERESTING – and I was mad at him that I had a deep seeded fear I was not interesting. Ugh…. I know.

3.) And, last but definitely not least. I think negative attention is better than no attention at all. So, abandon yourself, have all the answers he wants to hear, avoid conflict, and pretty much just be a shell of a person. Then blame him because your SOUL WILL COME OUT, if you shut your soul in there really tight, you don’t really shut it out. It comes out in weird uncontrollable ways, because the truth of who you are will beckon you to acknowledge her. So, I played the victim.

And this was just one day of looking inward. I’m sure sub-consciously I have a million other ways I contributed to this divorce. My number one complaint was I feel like he disappeared when I married him, GUESS WHAT, shocker – I disappeared when he married me! I was confident, driven, I would pack up and leave at any time if I felt like God called me, I was planning on going back to the mission field, and had lots of things I was interested in. I got married and turned into the only example of marriage I had ever seen. Ok, this is what wife’s do, be submissive, have kids, learn to cook, fulfill all his needs, and manage this household — I enmeshed with him.

AND– Side note this lifestyle was what made me drink a lot in my 20’s in the first place, because I thought it was BORING. Maybe not boring to all, but it was boring to me. It’s just not the way I was made. I’m an adventurer, a little bit of a thrill seeker, want to live an exciting, ever changing life.

Jason would always ask me about my desires, because I think he knew I had abandoned ship. I didn’t know, because I was playing this role, and this new role, or my perception of this role, I did not fit into well, at least not in my core.

The wonderful thing about Jason and I, is I think we see each other. Like really see each other. We see the true person in there, and in our own dysfunctional, yet well-intended ways, we beckon it out. He’s wonderfully sweet, and kind, and literally the most accepting person I have ever met. He was better than me in that way, I always envied it. Because I was supposed to be the good one, how sick is that! And he sees me as a strong, kind, dynamic leader of women, who can hold my own in the fields of people like Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton. (I know, so sweet).

Please do not think I am sad about any of this. I am proud of myself that I can feel and see the bad parts of me without shame.  I am a contributor to this divorce, an EQUAL contributor. And if I want to heal, I must hold both things. To have inner peace you must look inside yourself and hold onto to the yucky parts as well as the good ones.

Much LOVE.

Hope rising

I think people can not live without hope. Hope for something. A better future? Things will turn around? Joy will come? Things will heal? The SUN will come AGAIN… if you live in Seattle, you know this week has been glorious with the sunshine even if it’s cold.

At the beginning of Jason and I separating I remember feeling like I had lost hope. I had hoped for so long we would get to a better place. Maybe this counselor? Maybe this energy person? Maybe this retreat? Poor guy, put up with a lot of my fixing.

Anyway, when I lost hope, it was such a devastating feeling. I remember thinking, I have to find a new hope, otherwise, I will cease to live. Hope feels (at least to me) integral to the human experience. I did not find anything to hope in, really at the time. But I was doing ok moving through the motions.

TODAY, though, I felt some hope. I had the thought, oh my goodness, I actually might get to fall in love again. I remember thinking after getting married how weird it would be to never have a crush again, and LOOK AT THAT, I might actually have a crush again.

I’m not really ready for it yet, but I will be someday. I keep telling myself, this will get better, it already has. And I am starting to see seedlings of hope for the future. YAY ME!!

So anyway, here is to 3 good days in a row, after a really shitty day. But hey, it’s all about the bounce back rate.

Much LOVE.

Conscious Uncoupling

“Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all.” – Mitch Albom

Oh my goodness, a friend sent me this book “Conscious Uncoupling” by: Katherine Woodward Thomas. It’s a GOD send.

I’m only a 100 pages in and have not done all the exercises yet, but still so freeing. And here is what I have to tell you.

All THE FEELINGS, are completely normal!!! You are not crazy.

From the book:  “I am also beginning to understand why we go crazy during a breakup, with tornadoes of terrifying emotions sweeping through us, threatening to empty us of all common sense and sanity. The rupture of attachment throws us into a high state of fear, with a lessened ability to regulate our own emotions, as we have not yet adjusted to our new circumstances by finding new ways to self-soothe that would prevent us from having a meltdown.”

And one more: ” While many have aspired to the friendly ending of love, few have been able to overcome the biology of our brains’ tendency to see a breakup as a life-threatening event. ”

Ah HA!! Just so you know science proves the crazy emotional state of people going through a divorce is normal. It’s our biology. And me coming from a family – where divorce was not an option – (lineage), I’m one of the first ones. So my biology to stay married is strong. Which helps me to comfort and love myself through this transition.

Here’s the good news. You can and I can stay conscious. I can make choices that do not allow my UN-conscious self to run the show.  Yes, my EGO can yell at me all day, but I do not have to let her be in the drivers seat, she can sit in the back and I can turn the music up to drown her out 😉

I was having dinner the other night with a girlfriend and I said: “Look this whole situation can go good, or bad, and all of that revolves around my perspective and reaction to it and I’m determined to have a good divorce, I refuse the alternative.”

So, I want you all to know, if you are in my position or have been, WE can do this. There is another way out. Yes, emotions and feelings and our brains and our lineage and all the stuff that wants to keep us small is there, BUT what is also there, is the you that decided you want to be happy. The you that decided you want something better for your kids. The you that was strong enough to make this choice in the first place. She still there, she just isn’t super great at self-soothing yet, but don’t worry, you’ll figure it out, you always do.

We have options. Stay conscious. I will too!

Much. LOVE.

…. sweetness…

Ha! Isn’t it funny that the day after the Rage Room, I am feeling a little sentimental. Of course, when we move the anger out there is usually the sadness.

Anyway, tonight I was remembering this really sweet thing Jason used to do for me. At night after Huck went to bed we would watch a show, usually a show Jason found, but he’d try really hard to find shows I’d like, which was nice of him. I’d laid on the couch and sometimes he’d rub my back…. I’d ALWAYS fall asleep and he’d let me sleep for awhile, then he’d wake me up and I’d brush my teeth and he’d “set up my station”. Which was his phrase, for getting my side of the bed ready, plugging in my phone and putting on the office, because I used to fall asleep to that.

Because of this last year and half, Jason was gone a lot during the fire academy, so I’ve been used to putting myself to bed for quite sometime, but it was nice to remember.

Now, I set an alarm on my phone if I think I’m going to fall asleep on the couch and put myself to bed. Which I guess is alright, but it was nice to have someone “set up my station.” It’s always the small things we miss.

I’m learning in this season, you can love and not love someone at the same time, you can like certain aspects of someone and dislike other ones, and there is NO DECISION TO BE MADE, on weather they in a good or bad category. We are all a bunch of good and not so good things, that’s called being human. Embracing this fact in others, helps me embrace that fact in me. Because I’m messy and lovely, sweet and intense, kind and I stick my foot in mouth a lot, but all of that is good because all of that is human and that’s what I am.

Much. LOVE.


Morning convo with my EGO

I woke up this morning – feeling refreshed and alive. Then instantly, had some thought of a future scenario and how I am going to respond, with anger or self-protection. BUT the great thing was I caught myself. I saw myself doing it.

I said to myself, “Ego, I know the present moment is boring, and you like the drama. I want you to know, I am not going to kill you, I think you are important and significant, I love you and I see you. I know you are scared, but there is nothing to be scared about.”

I took a deep breath and looked at the present moment which actually has no drama in it. And decided to stay here, now that is difficult. But getting mad at the unwanted thoughts does not help. You just accept them, see them for what they are and let them go.

Oh….. I think this is learning to let go!

Much. LOVE.

Ah…. The RAGE Room

I went to the Rage Room! It was amazing.

You walk in and they tell you to sign away your life and then pick out some bottles and stuff you want to break. Then you get all suited up with a blue suit, face mask, and gloves. He asked if I wanted to hook up my phone to the blue tooth and listen to music, otherwise, it’s just silent (except the smashing sound). I said, “YES, I want to listen to 2Pac.” He told me I was the first one who ever wanted to listen to 2pac, which surprised me, 2pac always ignites my anger. Anyway, then I said, “then I’ll switch to Demi Lovato.” He said, “that’s the weirdest combination.” I thought for a sec maybe I shouldn’t do that. Then I thought, NOPE that’s me, I like 2pac and I like Demi Lovato and they channel different aspects of me. So, I did both. I am learning to not care what people think about me. I actually like me.

Anyway, the sound of breaking glass against a brick wall is so exhilarating. Then I beat some tires with a bat, sledge hammer, and some other tool 😉 and threw some tires around for awhile. I only listened to 3 songs, so I was probably in there 12ish mins. But I loved every second of it. I think I’ll go once a month for awhile.

So, In review RAGE ROOM I highly recommend. Especially, for women. Oh my goodness, it feels nice and powerful to be angry in a controlled space. It’s good for us, otherwise we just bottle it up and it becomes resentment. And women are meant to be WILD and FREE.

Much. LOVE.


Well, tonight, I feel angry. I looked up what to do about that and it said express it. So, one way I know how to express things is by writing. Also, I am going to the rage room tomorrow, so this could not be better timing. Maybe my body knows I signed up for that and it’s getting ready or it’s really repressed in there.

What am I angry about? EVERYTHING. You ever have those days? Huck was sitting with me before he went to bed and he’s a squirmer and I swear if he kicked me one more time, I felt like I was going to lose my mind. He didn’t and he’s asleep now, so that is good.

Gosh… The anger, I don’t even know who to blame? God? Jason? Myself? The system of marriage? Ugh… the whole thing.

I think bottom line is I am upset it didn’t work out. I think our divorce is pretty upsetting because there’s still so much good. And yes, that’s what we wanted to get divorced before we hated each other, but some days, I’d rather have hated him.

It’s just sucks, and I’m such a fixer, I want to fix the emotions. I don’t want to be angry, or sad, or anything. And all I am right now is all those things. I feel out of control.

Every time I try to go to social things, I come home and cry. I feel like I have to hold it together so much, too much. Maybe that’s what I’m mad about. I have to walk around like it’s all ok, but I guess I don’t really have to do that, but I do that.

Also, I am mad that at one moment I am doing great and feel fine and then it’s like a tidal wave of emotion comes out of nowhere. Couldn’t explain why, but there it is, the pain to ruin my seemingly ok day.

And to be honest, I really loved and still love my soon to be ex-husband, I don’t know how to let him go. I’m pissed as hell that it didn’t work out and I tried so hard. Maybe I’m mostly mad at myself, that wouldn’t surprise me.

So there. Anger expressed… although I’m still angry.

I’ll update you tomorrow after the rage room, maybe I should book 3 hours. They said they’ll give you a video to watch of yourself, maybe I can watch that when I get pissed next time.

Much. LOVE. (and anger because anger is also welcomed here)