“Curiosity is a shit-starter. But that’s okay, sometimes we have to rumble with a story to find the truth.” – Brene Brown
So, in this conscious uncoupling book I’m reading, the first couple things are:
1.) You are totally normal and it is your biology that makes you feel crazy emotional.
2.) Then there are some tips on self-soothing and how to have good self-care.
3.) To grow and not repeat this relationship again, you need to take a good look at yourself and what your responsibility is.
What I discovered:
1.) I am 2nd oldest of 6 kids and to get attention when I was young, I was a people pleaser. I got attention for serving and helping others, it was the way I felt loved. I had overcome a lot of people pleasing in my regular life but not necessarily in intimate relationships. I, then, got married and abandon myself to please Jason. So, ANY input/criticism/suggestions he had I overreacted to because in my mind was this: ” Are you criticizing me, do you know I have sacrifice my whole self here, I am doing everything to make sure you are happy (which he NEVER asked me to do and did not want from me but I thought that was my role).” Thank God, Jason was my learning curve and not Huck. Could you imagine, Huck does one thing wrong and my reaction is: ” I sacrificed my whole life for you, you have to be perfect.” Oh goodness!
2.) I had/have a fear that I am boring and dis-interesting. Because I was this crazy party-er in my 20’s and when I quit that I was really bored. It seems to me there are a lot of drinking activities in Seattle and I felt excluded. I lived at my parents one summer in-between going to Kansas to plant a church, and all i did for like 6 weeks, was hang out with my sister and watch TV. I remember thinking, I can NEVER EVER come back to this place. It made me feel like such a loser. So, I married the guy with a ton of interesting things to say, you’ll never be bored, I told myself. But then I blame him for not including me in his conversation. That’s who he is – VERY INTERESTING – and I was mad at him that I had a deep seeded fear I was not interesting. Ugh…. I know.
3.) And, last but definitely not least. I think negative attention is better than no attention at all. So, abandon yourself, have all the answers he wants to hear, avoid conflict, and pretty much just be a shell of a person. Then blame him because your SOUL WILL COME OUT, if you shut your soul in there really tight, you don’t really shut it out. It comes out in weird uncontrollable ways, because the truth of who you are will beckon you to acknowledge her. So, I played the victim.
And this was just one day of looking inward. I’m sure sub-consciously I have a million other ways I contributed to this divorce. My number one complaint was I feel like he disappeared when I married him, GUESS WHAT, shocker – I disappeared when he married me! I was confident, driven, I would pack up and leave at any time if I felt like God called me, I was planning on going back to the mission field, and had lots of things I was interested in. I got married and turned into the only example of marriage I had ever seen. Ok, this is what wife’s do, be submissive, have kids, learn to cook, fulfill all his needs, and manage this household — I enmeshed with him.
AND– Side note this lifestyle was what made me drink a lot in my 20’s in the first place, because I thought it was BORING. Maybe not boring to all, but it was boring to me. It’s just not the way I was made. I’m an adventurer, a little bit of a thrill seeker, want to live an exciting, ever changing life.
Jason would always ask me about my desires, because I think he knew I had abandoned ship. I didn’t know, because I was playing this role, and this new role, or my perception of this role, I did not fit into well, at least not in my core.
The wonderful thing about Jason and I, is I think we see each other. Like really see each other. We see the true person in there, and in our own dysfunctional, yet well-intended ways, we beckon it out. He’s wonderfully sweet, and kind, and literally the most accepting person I have ever met. He was better than me in that way, I always envied it. Because I was supposed to be the good one, how sick is that! And he sees me as a strong, kind, dynamic leader of women, who can hold my own in the fields of people like Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton. (I know, so sweet).
Please do not think I am sad about any of this. I am proud of myself that I can feel and see the bad parts of me without shame. I am a contributor to this divorce, an EQUAL contributor. And if I want to heal, I must hold both things. To have inner peace you must look inside yourself and hold onto to the yucky parts as well as the good ones.